You Think Your Company’s Lean? Think Again, Tubs

IN THE ’90s, THERE WAS A POPULAR TREND called “Heroin Chic.” I wasn’t alive in the ’90s, but I discovered it when I had my personal assistant ask her virtual assistant to ask ChatGPT to summarize the era for me. 

It seems that rather than valuing today’s unrealistic body standards—achieved through CrossFit, plastic surgery, and injectable fillers—Heroin Chic instead gave status to an unrealistic body standard that relied on the much simpler tactic of starvation.* 

Now, I would never suggest a person risk organ failure for the sake of attention and monetary gain—because, honestly, it wouldn’t play well on social media—but I’ve found great success transferring these principles to my business. 

I call it Radical Econorexia, and it’s totally future-proof. Here’s how it works: 

• Ditch the headquarters: Some CEOs have mandated a return to the office, but offices are just Twinkies for fat companies. Take inspiration from The Devil Wears Prada, when a character says, “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” The pandemic was our stomach flu, and there’s no point of having a physical space when you have people willing to work day and night out of fear. Cutting that cost will immediately increase margin without any impact on productivity, especially if you don’t overthink things like ethics or quality. 

• Get rid of all employees: In the previous bullet, I mentioned fear, and nothing stokes fear like a mass layoff. Suddenly people start asking questions like “Am I replaceable?” and “How will I pay the mortgage on my 15 Airbnb properties?” The answers, of course, are “Yes” and “Not my problem!” 

• Load up on freelancers: Just after the last automated layoff email is sent, adjust your LinkedIn profile to announce you’re “hiring.” Then recruit people who will use all their own equipment. This way, you’ll no longer have to pay for software subscriptions or carry the weight of an IT department. Sell all those extra computers and throw the proceeds into a savings account for that compound you’ve been eyeing in Montana.

• Set clear expectations: In order for this revolutionary system to work, you need screening questions that will weed out the wrong people. Try things like:

• Could you tell me about a time when you fell into a deep depression but managed to numb yourself enough to continue hitting deadlines in a fast-paced environment?

• Do you have any prior experience working for a “visionary”? If not, how much do you know about the messiah complex?

• Tell me about the worst boss you ever had and what you did to pander to his every whim?

• Build a strong company culture: In the rah-rah days when VC money was flowing like semen at a circle jerk, start-ups could afford to invent values that inspired employees. These days, they just have to be clear people should be working all the time. In the case of my company, the thought-leadership agency Thunk, we now have only one value, which we’ve crafted into the shorthand “Lift the car.” It’s a reference to those moments when women whose children have been trapped underneath a car develop “hysterical strength.” People can achieve incredible results when faced with intense trauma, so our leadership team now manufactures deeply stressful situations every day so our staff can reach their full potential.

• Invest in brand: You have to anticipate backlash from all those folks who feel entitled to be treated like human beings. That’s why I suggest finding a team in some third-world country that can produce thousands of five-star reviews on Glassdoor and Google every single hour. This drowns out the haters and reinforces the basic tenet that wealth is our only salvation. Which brings me to my final point…

• Keep your eyes on the Pecunia: That’s not me being cute by using Latin. Pecunia is the name of my new cryptocurrency, which has my face on both sides. You can learn more about it during my next TED talk, “Heads-Up, the Currency of the Future Is Digital and Not at all a Scam.”  

*An extra fun fact: The term “sparks” when referring to a relationship comes from how, in the ’90s, two emaciated people would literally create sparks from the friction of their jutting hipbones when “doing it.” This has to be true because a computer read it on the internet and included it in the report.